Friends Forever

Written By: Danielle Bauman

I used to be a dreamer. Your classic wish upon a star kind of daughter. Little girls are full of so much hope until the real world drains it out of them. At first, it’s a slow leak, barely noticeable. But there’s a simple way to track it – ask a little girl:

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Ask her that same question once every ten years or so. You’ll see what I mean. Don’t want to do that? Think it’s creepy? Well, you’re in luck, cause I’ve already done it for you. I’ve lived it. And since I’ve got some time to spare…

Picture five-year-old me, all curls and dimples, smiling for my father’s Sony Handy Cam. He films me doing a cartwheel and then afterward he asks: “Tilly, your fans want to know, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Wide eyed, and full of possibility, I say to camera: “When I grow up, I’m going to be a famous mermaid princess!”

It wasn’t exactly a realistic goal; I wasn’t growing a tail any time soon. But famous AND a princess AND a mermaid? Those are some shoot-for-the moon wishes! I believed I could do anything back then!

Now let’s flash forward twelve years.

Picture me, age seventeen, beachy waves and too much bronzer – still influenced by the mermaid dream – wearing a dress entirely too mature for my age, stumbling in platforms. I’m accepting a Kid’s Choice Award…. for someone else.

“Grace is so sorry she couldn’t make it, but I am so grateful to accept this award on her behalf. Thank you to all our fans, without you there is no “Friends Forever.” Thank you for recognizing Grace’s incredible talent. If I can be half the actress she is when I grow up, I’ll consider myself lucky.”

So not a princess. Kind of famous for a teeny-bopper tv series, but not an award winner. Not even a Kid’s Choice Award winner. But a gracious stand-in. It’s a start, right?

Let’s flash forward a few years later.

Picture me. Twenty-five years old. Eyes blood shot. Broken fingernails digging into the steering wheel of my beat to shit Lexus. There’s a firm knock from the cop outside my driver side window. I roll the window down, squinting into the spinning lights. I’ve been driving drunk again. I don’t have any wishes for the future. No underwater princess dreams. I just pull out my license and registration, ready to accept my fate. And then, there’s a glimmer of recognition—

“Are you that girl? The best friend from “Friends Forever”?” The officer asks, shining his flashlight into my face for a better look.

I nod and say: “Yup, that was me.”

The officer shakes his head, incredulous, as if he’s just met Bigfoot. “So, what are you doing now?”

“Well, right now, I’m just trying to make it home.”

“Okay, you be careful.” He mercifully turns off his flashlight. “And if you see Grace Hudson, you let her know I’m a huge fan. Gosh, when I was a kid, I had the biggest crush on her.”

Always a bridesmaid. Never the bride.

Grace was the star of “Friend Forever.” I played her best friend. The quirky girl next door. A punchline to her dignified ingenue. Even after the show ended, I was still the joke, and she was the star. She was also my best friend in real life. Because like everyone else, I was a sucker for her charm.

So that night after a run in with one of her many admirers, I got back to my furnished month-to-month rental, and I called Grace to thank her for once again indirectly getting me out of a jam. And she said she might have good news about the feature she was starring in. There might be a small part for me. A way for me to make my come back. Finally.

“That would be great,” I whispered. “I would be honored to share the screen with you again.”

But all the while I knew it was another hollow possibility from my best friend who I barely saw. Who, when I did see her, seemed frightened of her own fame, or maybe that was just a way to hide what she was most afraid of: the failure that is me.

Until now.

In the last few years things have… shifted. If you asked me today if I still have that little girl hope, I would say that I’m getting it back. I’m not going full Little Mermaid. But I am going to get mine.

Which brings me to today.

It’s a Thursday morning and I’m sitting in the Green Room of Hollywood Studios waiting to be interviewed about the reboot of “Friends Forever.” The coffee is burnt, and the furniture smells like old Doritos, but I am grateful. Sure, this is just a cable morning show. (Does anyone even know what cable is anymore? Probably not.) But fuck it, it’s a start. I’m on the rise again, three years sober, hair blown out to soft wave perfection and my skin is radiant. It’s amazing how clear your complexion can be if your diet consists of something other than cheap tequila and chips. But SHIT—

I see something: a dot of blood on the sleeve of my brand-new white silk blouse. I search my hand, my arm— there’s the fucker. A scratch along my right forearm from the last time I fed Tara. It keeps reopening. I really need to clip her nails. She’s been scratching me so much these days, I don’t even feel it anymore. I wish I could get a professional to come in to groom her. She’d need to be sedated though.

My phone buzzes. Motion cameras in the basement.

I’m still getting used to having a whole house to myself again. It’s nice to have a finished basement for Tara. Today I was tempted to let her wander around up on the first floor, but with the attitude she’s been giving, purposefully missing the pee pads, turning her nose up to kibble, she doesn’t deserve those privileges.

Anyway, that’s not important now. Now I just need a little help. Something to staunch the bleeding. I spot a PA down the hall. At first, she’s pretending not to see me waving her over, but then we make eye contact. She looks only mildly annoyed when I ask her for a Band-Aid. Probably went to some Ivy League, like Brown or Yale. Probably thought she had it all figured out. Welcome to the fucking club.

As I put the Band-Aid over the scratch, I realize I probably need more than one, but it’s too late because…

Production Assistant: Ms. Davis, you’re on deck.

I walk down the long hall to the stage. I can hear the studio audience laughing at all the right moments for Abbie Dandel’s insipid jokes. She was on Mickey Mouse Club with Grace and me. Did you know that? Sure, you did. I tripped Abbie during a dance rehearsal. Broke her nose. Bet you didn’t know that.

Anyway, let’s see if she remembers.

Abbie Dandel: Good Morning Hollywood!

Audience: Good morning.

Abbie Dandel: Now I think you all could use another cuppa Joe. We can do better than that! I said: “Good Morning Hollywood!”

Audience: Good morning!

Abbie Dandel: Well, I suppose that will have to do! I’m Abigail Dandel , but you folks at home can call me Abbie . Today we are all in for a real throwback treat ! You know her from the early aughts smash hit series “Friends Forever” now soon to be back for a much -anticipated reboot, please welcome….. Tilly Davis!!!

I walk out making prayer hands. That’s my new thing. Yoga. Lots of it. I am full of grace, full of Namaste.

Tilly: Aw gosh, thanks so much, thank you.

Abbie Dandel: No, no, thank you for making time for us, I know your schedule has been jam packed.

Tilly: Yeah, it’s been a whirlwind.

Abbie Dandel: Must be a far cry from where you were a few years ago.

Yep, she definitely remembers me smashing her face into the dance floor. Oh well. She’d been bullying Grace, and I was just being a good best friend. If Grace had been able to stand up for herself, it wouldn’t’ve happened. Really it was all Grace’s fault, if you think about it.

Abbie Dandel: We can get into that later. So, tell me about the show! How did this all come about?

Tilly: Well, this has been a dream of mine for going on ten years now. As you know, “Friends Forever” was the underdog at the network, nobody thought it would last more than a season. A teenage girl struggling with kidney disease—

Abbie Dandel: It’s a bit of a bummer!

She’s still the same catty bitch she always was. I smile, press my palms together in prayer again.

Tilly: Yeah , but Blake, the creator, he really believed that there were kids around the country, around the world, going through grief, you know ? Real loss . And while pediatric kidney disease is relatively uncommon, he felt that those suffering and their friends and family , really needed to be represented.

Abbie Dandel: And clearly, he was right. “Friends Forever”’s pilot episode trailer broke the internet before that was even a mainstream thing! Now for those of you who don’t know, which HELLO where have you been ? But anyway, for that small few that didn’t watch: Tilly played Cass, the best friend and comedic relief to Grace Hudson’s starring character Tara who was suffering from pediatric kidney disease. Let’s look at a clip from one of their very first scenes together.

Abbie motions to a screen behind us and I hold my breath. This was not part of the plan. No one told me we would be watching a clip from the original series. But there we are in the hospital room set of the very first episode. Grace in her hospital gown with golden retriever curls, smiling through the pain. Glowing even in sick girl makeup. Me with my sassy braids and buxom lip gloss. Wearing a garish clownlike outfit that screams: I’m the funny one here!

Grace as Tara: I didn’t think you’d come.

Tilly as Cass: Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss it! I’m your dialy-SISTER!

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Grace as Tara: I was scared for you to see me this way.

Tilly as Cass: Come on, I’ve seen much worse. Remember when you locked braces with one of the Mccalister twins ?

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Tilly as Cass: But seriously, I’ll always be here for you. Friends forever, remember ?

Grace: Friends till the end.

I’m nearly in tears now after watching that scene. It’s not the show --personally I never understood why anyone liked it–what makes me cry is seeing myself back then and knowing all the disappointment ahead of that girl. Knowing how much heartbreak there will be. How much Grace will let her down.

I wipe a stray tear away, satisfied that the audience will take this as a sign of my sincere connection to the series. But Abbie doesn’t buy it. She looks at me with an icy smile.

Abbie Dandel: Grace won a Kid’s Choice award for that scene, didn’t she?

Abbie is gleefully reminding me as if I could have ever forgotten. I’d love to bury her alive in my new backyard. Right next to the rose bush. This future life goal helps me muster up a smile to throw back at her. And then I lean in as if we are just two gal pals with some hot tea to spill.

Tilly: That’s right, Abbie, she did win . But did you know that originally, I was reading for Tara and it was actually Grace who came in for a chemistry read to play MY best friend.

Abbie Dandel: I did not know that.

She doesn’t believe me, but I don’t give a shit. In my mind she’s begging for her life as I make her dig her own grave in my garden. And this is all I need to keep going. This delightful daydream is fueling me.

Tilly: Most people don’t know. This was still the early days of social media and YouTube so I’m not sure those audition tapes still exist. Didn’t you audition as well?

Abbie Dandel: Um, I…

Tilly: You didn’t make it to the chemistry read though, did you?

Abbie is going crimson under her ivory concealer. Red blotches start to dance over her chest. I stare at them, then up into Abbie’s eyes. I laugh.

Tilly: Anyway, they had Grace and I switch parts as an experiment and something just clicked. She stole the show, in a good way . It really was for the best. Besides those were some huge shoes to fill.

Abbie Dandel: Even bigger now that she’s gone.

She raises her eyebrows, like this is going to shrink me.

Abbie Dandel: We don’t have to go there.

In my mind, the garden is flooding with a late-night thunderstorm now, and Abbie is trying to scream but no sound comes out. She can’t scream anymore. Because I’ve cut out her tongue.

I give her a toothy grin.

Tilly Davis: No, let's.

I press my hands to my heart. Feigning brave grief.

Tilly Davis: I think it’s important that we talk about Grace. Keep her memory alive. Wherever she is, I know she would want that. That’s why I started the foundation.

Abbie Dandel: The Grace Hudson Survivor Fund.

Tilly: That’s right. Grace didn’t get a second chance, but that doesn’t mean other women don’t deserve one.

Abbie Dandel: You’re certainly getting your second chance. The OG “Friends Forever” ended fifteen years ago and while Grace was bombarded with movies and prestige television opportunities, you really struggled.

No shit, bitch, and I can make you struggle too. I feel my own face start to fluster. I’m getting a little distracted, so I remember my yogi pranayama breathing.

Tilly: It’s true, it was crickets for me, but I also needed a break. Grace was more introverted and so I spent a lot of our time doing press together, being the outgoing, funny one. She sort of, well I don’t want to say—

Abbie Dandel: Oh do tell...

Now I’ve got her. Such a glutton for celebrity gossip.

Tilly: Well, Grace was better at playing a character than playing herself. She thrived when the cameras were rolling, but in real life, well, I think it’s clear she couldn’t take care of herself.

Abbie: But you were the one who suffered with addiction.

Tilly: Substances yes, everyone knows about that. But Grace’s addiction was more complicated because she was addicted to men. Toxic men. And like most addicts, she refused to admit it . I was her best friend, and she wouldn’t even let me help. I wanted to save her from herself, but that just wasn’t possible . It was a very difficult time, very frustrating. I was using drugs and alcohol to cope with that.

Abbie Dandel: That’s a bit like blaming the victim, isn’t it?

Tilly: Well, I was a victim too, you know. When you let a predator into your life, that affects everyone.

Abbie Dandel: You’re talking about Jared Frain. Grace’s ex-husband.

Tilly: Yes.

Abbie Dandel: Though there were never any charges brought against him.

Tilly: Well, it’s like that Taylor Swift song: “No Body, No Crime”.

Abbie smiles. It’s tough not to smile when you quote Taylor to a Swiftie.

Abbie Dandel: Was it tough working on the reboot without Grace? You must have gone through a wave of emotions.

I hate questions like this because they exclude people like me. I can feel, but not the way she wants me to. Not the way the whole world expects me to. That’s why Grace got the leading role in the first place.

I decide I’ll just tell her the total truth.

Tilly: It wasn’t tough actually, because I’m never really without Grace. I feel her with me all the time. In fact, I have a lock of her hair right here.

Abbie Dandel: Pardon, did you just say you have a lock of her hair ?

Tilly: A lock in a locket. It was Grace’s idea. She had one too. See?

I open the locket and that’s when I see it– the blood seeping through the Band-Aid, making Rorschach patterns on my sleeve. But Abbie doesn’t notice. She’s staring at Grace’s clump of hair.

Abbie Dandel: That looks…. Surprisingly well preserved.

She’s unsettled. I would be pleased by this, but I’m unsettled too. My sleeve has gone from damp to soaking.

Tilly: So, yeah, I feel her with me, but yes, I would be lying if I pretended not to feel at least a little lost without her.

I am lying about that. I don’t feel lost, but I am starting to feel like I’m losing a lot of blood. I take a breath, forgetting what I was even going on about.

Tilly Davis: When I told … uh, when I told Grace I was going to be doing the show, she was so supportive.

Abbie Dandel: Sorry, what do you mean “when you told her”? She’s been missing for three years.

Fuck did I say that in present tense? Is there a bloodstain on this chair now?

Tilly Davis: Well , like I said, she’s with me all the time. In my locket and in spirit.

Abbie Dandel: And her spirit is…

Tilly Davis: Thrilled! This is what we always dreamed of – getting back together with the old gang! You know our producers, writers, even the crew, we all loved each other!

How am I losing so much blood?

Abbie Dandel: But isn’t it true that Grace passed on a reboot before she, well, passed ?

I’m dizzy, I need water. I need more Band-Aids and gauze. And now I’m sweating.

Tilly Davis: Well, we don’t really know that she “passed” Abbie, because no one ever found her, and if she was still alive, and she really didn’t want this to happen, I think she might come out of hiding, might pony up and stop being such a sour sport —

What the fuck am I even saying?

Tilly Davis: Sorry. Sorry. Everyone has their disagreements, even best friends.

Abbie Dandel: Sure—

Tilly: It’s just, really selfish, you know? To look your friend in the eye, your friend who hasn’t worked a day since your show together, and here you have an opportunity for a second chance, and she just laughs at you, just poo- poos the whole thing. You know, I was talking to her the other day—

Abbie Dandel: Her spirit?

Tilly Davis: Right! And she still thinks it’s a hacky idea.

Abbie Dandel: But you just said she was thrilled.

Abbie’s sneering at me. She sees the blood and she’s sneering. Abbie Dandel is a bully. Abbie Dandel is a monster. Abbie Dandel deserves to have her face smashed again but this time into the dirt of her own grave.

Tilly Davis: Sorry, can you repeat —

Abbie Dandel: I said that you just said Grace was thrilled. Her spirit or whatever.

Tilly: Oh, well she is, now, Abbie. She really is because I made her see, this one is for me, this is my shot and what are friends for, right? Best friends, they know when it’s time to step aside and let the other one shine. It’s my time. I’ve put in the work; I’ve been running the foundation. I’ve been sober for three years.

Abbie Dandel: Since Grace—

Tilly: That’s right. When we lost her, I just knew I needed to grow up and be the success we both dreamed of. So, in a way, even though it’s a tragedy, losing Grace really saved my life. So, wherever you are darlin, I just want to say: I’m forever grateful. Friends Forever. Friends till the end.

I’m sweating like a gymnast after her uneven bar routine. Like a tweenage fucktwit who takes steroids to stave off her period and eats raw eggs for breakfast.

Abbie Dandel: Well, I think that sums that up. “ Friends Forever, Life Goes On” premieres tonight at 8 pm here on ABC. Thanks so much for being with us today Tilly.

Tilly: Thank you, Abbie.

(theme song music plays)

My whole seat is soaking now. The fabric entwined with my sweat and blood, and Abbie is smiling like a wax sculpture. Her lips barely move as she whispers to me:

Abbie Dandel: It was you, wasn’t it?

I stand, blood running down my wrist, pooling into my palm. I reach my blood- soaked hand and tap Abbie on the nose, to creep her out, to leave a trace of myself but—

Tilly Davis: Where is it?

Abbie paws at her button nose. So small, how can she breathe out of that thing?

Abbie: Where is what?

There’s no blood. There’s no sweat. I’m dry as her bones will be after I bleach them. But not even that calms me. I need to get the fuck out of here. I try to rush off, but it’s like I’m walking through sand. I finally get to the bathroom. I’m finally alone. Safe. I catch my breath. I think of Grace. Seeing her in my mind’s eye. I hear her begging. I hear her scratching. Those long fingernails.

Tilly Davis: Fucking ungrateful…. Bitch deserved to die.

It’s nice to say it out loud. It’s nice to—

Then a crew member walks in. It’s that fucking PA. The one who probably went to Yale or Brown or wherever. But her self-entitled expression has been replaced with that of a frightened mouse. She stands by the door trying to get up enough nerve to say—

PA: Ms. Davis?

Tilly Davis: Yes.

PA: Um, your mic is still on. Everyone can hear you.

I look at her, that still new skin, the baby fat filling her cheeks, her smooth jittery hands, a manicure probably paid for by Daddy. I move closer and closer and now her back slams into the door as I reach around to lock it. I press myself against her, feeling fear radiate through her, an intimate moment I haven’t gotten to enjoy in a while. Then I take a deep breath and ask:

And what would you like to be when you grow up?

Danielle Bauman is a Brooklyn, New York native, now living in Los Angeles, who has been chronicling the neurosis of her family since she was old enough to hold a crayon.    She spent the majority of her childhood in the bathroom – the quietest space in the cramped apartment – writing in marble copybooks.   She received a BFA in theater from Boston University and after graduation worked many odd jobs including: vet tech, nanny, and professional dominatrix.   The last two have more in common with each other than you would think.  For six years she worked on NBC's critically acclaimed family dramedy This Is Us, starting as script coordinator and ending the show as Story Editor. She has a feature in development with Ace Entertainment and her most recent short film Severed was selected for Cannes Short Film Corner. She continues to run to the bathroom whenever she has writer's block.