You Are What You Eat
Written By: Hansen Adcock Never eaten cauliflower, it doesn't do anything for me. My grandmother made an excellent thistle soup. Or was it nettles? Never got stung once.
You Are What You Eat
Written By: Hansen Adcock
Never eaten cauliflower, it doesn't do anything for me. My grandmother made an excellent thistle soup. Or was it nettles? Never got stung once. If you eat the thing, you become immune and it respects you and it gives you powers. Even now, two hundred years down the line, when in a threatening situation I sprout black, sticky barbs. It makes arresting me a very interesting procedure. They use me to train soldiers for the SAS don't you know, but I refuse pay. Why would a being like myself need money? All I have to do is eat the right things. I remember I once swallowed an Irishman in 1756. It was either that or let him go the natural way.
You've heard of the five-a-day, haven't you? Well, I have that, but not the type of matter you're thinking of.
What do you mean, “Is it nuclear?” How dare you, I'm renewable energy all the way.
Do you have a tissue? Thanks. I bleed sap when I'm excited and you're quite a stimulating creature, aren't you? Why don't we go back to my place and I'll fix us a bite for dinner? Don't worry, you won't be aware of anything after the first nibble.
I've eaten a lot of venomous reptiles in my time as well... Hey, where are you going? Oh well, that's another one under the bridge.
All I ever manage to catch these days is vermin. Blessed vermin, kind vermin, merciful vermin swarming in the sewers and in the drywall and I'm the one they call to extricate them. “Save us from the vermin,” they say, and “save us from the humans,” they cry. I do my best. After all, I ate a couple of cats and a falcon not too long ago. When was it, 1930?
Oh, but for something bigger and that doesn't taste faintly of urine and soggy substances I do not wish to sample. I already have the power to turn myself brown and release noxious gases, why would I need any more? I already learned how to become a puddle when I drank my first bottle of water. Couple of weeks old I was. Gods, that makes me feel old, but don't know how... I've never eaten a geriatric. I wonder if they taste nice.
They don't smell it. I wonder how I can die without eating a corpse. I don't think I could stomach a cadaver, my dear, I'm essentially a bon vivant, you know?
Hansen Adcock has appeared in Dreams & Nightmares magazine, The Crows Quill and The Witches Ball anthology. He writes short fiction and longer works under the name Han or Hansen Adcock, and he runs, edits, and illustrates Once Upon A Crocodile e-zine. His fantasy-horror novel “A Dark Heritage – The Nighthunter” is available on Amazon from Golden Storyline Books.
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